


Like a Moonbeam in Your Hand

by msraven



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, General spoilers, M/M, Mentions of Clint Barton/Tony Stark, Past Abuse, Pheels, Phil Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 17:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msraven/pseuds/msraven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is still dead to most of the world, including the Avengers. It's a decision he's learned to live with... until he learns that Tony Stark just got engaged.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like a Moonbeam in Your Hand

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Mentions of past abuse and thoughts of suicide, but none occur in this fic.

"Holy crap! Tony Stark is getting married?!" 

Skye's sudden outburst draws everyone's attention to her and then up to the screen she had been using to monitor internet feeds. Phil looks up automatically, ready to reprimand her for inappropriate use of SHIELD resources, but freezes when he sees the image on the screen.

The person held tightly to Tony Stark's side in the video isn't Pepper Potts, like Phil had expected, it's Clint Barton – archer, agent, Avenger, and Phil's former lover.

"Hey, is that?"

"Holy crap! That's Agent Barton."

"I didn't even realize Stark was bi."

"Damn! I swear Hawkeye's gotten hotter."

"Breathe, Phil." 

Phil lets his breath out in a rush at Melinda's words and forces himself through a few more breaths, barely managing not to choke on air as his heart constricts painfully in his chest. His eyes are glued to the screen and doesn't bother acknowledging the concerned looks he's receiving from his team. 

Clint – noticeably thinner than before Pegasus, but still breathtakingly beautiful – looks uncomfortably stiff in front of the press until Tony whispers something in his ear. Clint's face and smile go unbearably soft as he leans into the billionaire, before turning to kiss him gently on the lips. Tony's hand comes up to cradle the back of Clint's head to lengthen the contact while Clint melts into the other man. When they part, it's to look deep into one another's eyes, their affection clear for all to see.

Phil feels bile rising into his throat and he scrambles out of the room before he can embarrass himself further. Once in the safety of his office, he collapses on the floor, confident that Melinda will keep the others from coming after him. He keeps his lunch in his stomach with sheer force of will, but can't keep the condemnations out of his head.

None of this is Clint's fault. He isn't the one who agreed to stay dead in the eyes of the Avengers, including Clint and Natasha despite their Level 7 clearance. Phil is the one who had jumped at Fury's offer – autonomy, a new team, a new life – ignoring the impact it would have on Clint. Phil has no reason to expect Clint to have stayed faithful to their relationship. They had never been a secret, but Phil always insisted it stay casual, brushing off Clint's hints at wanting something deeper and more permanent. Clint had told Phil countless times that he loved him, but Phil never once returned the sentiment, believing that his actions spoke for him, that the words would somehow make him weak. Now it's too late and Clint has slipped away from him. 

Phil doesn't know what Melinda tells the rest of the team, but nobody says a word when he emerges from his office the next morning, for once looking like someone had put a spear through his heart. Phil locks his feelings away and gets back to work because it's all he has left.

~^~

"Is this you punishing yourself?" Melinda asks a few weeks later when Phil isn't fast enough to hide his tablet from her sharp gaze.

Phil looks back down at the image of Clint mid-laugh and smiles. "It's really not."

"I don't believe you."

"It's just…" Phil shrugs. "I don't have any pictures of him from when we were together."

Melinda blinks in surprise and takes the seat across the table from Phil. "Not one? But you were together for years."

"Just under three years," Phil tells her with a sigh. "Do you know that I have multiple copies of every Captain America trading card ever made and no pictures of the man I lo–" Phil breaks off and looks away from May's knowing gaze. "What does that tell you about the kind of man I am, Agent May?"

"Look, Coulson – Phil," Melinda responds. "You made a mistake, an admittedly gigantic one, sure, but you need to own up to it and move on. You need to let him go or fight to get him back."

Phil looks back at Melinda with self-deprecating smile. "I've never actually lo-... loved anyone else aside from Clint. I'm not sure I _can_ let him go."

"Then you fight."

"Of course. I'll get right on that," Phil responds with a bitter laugh. "And you say I have issues believing in the impossible."

"It's not impossible," she argues. "We're bound to get declassified eventually. Why not sooner rather than later?"

"Because Clint is engaged to Tony Stark," Phil fires back. "Tony Stark, who is one of the single-greatest minds the human race has ever produced. A man who has more money in his wallet than I'll see in a lifetime. A man who, despite being able to do anything he could possibly want, puts his life on the line time and again to save the world."

"You died trying to save the world, Phil," Melinda reminds him.

"Exactly," Phil agrees. "I _died_. When Clint needed me most, I wasn't there. And when I could come back, I lied. I chose to stay dead. I chose let him grieve. I chose to leave him behind. That is not something anyone can forgive easily."

"Shouldn't the choice to forgive be his?" Melinda asks and stands. "Taking that choice away from Clint doesn't make you a martyr, Phil. It makes you a fool."

Melinda's turns to leave, but her dramatic exit is stalled by Skye rushing into the room.

"AC, you need to see this," she says breathlessly before rushing back out with the two senior agents at her heels.

What she shows them will be forever be ingrained in Phil's memory.

Phil hadn't thought that he was capable of any more emotion after watching Clint get engaged to Tony Stark, but seeing a gaping hole in Avengers Tower where Clint's room should be, fills him with a blinding rage. 

The paparazzi had circled the Tower for days after the engagement was announced and pictures of a sleep-tousled Clint wearing nothing but sleep pants had been everywhere the next morning, with further attempts thwarted by Stark installing better privacy screens on every window of the building. Now, an entire corner of the building, from the roof down to two floors below Clint's, is nothing but twisted and scorched metal. Iron Man is flitting around the building and Phil spots Thor's billowing cape and Steve's uniform through the smoke. A few seconds later, a helicopter swings into view, depositing Natasha, Maria, and Bruce on what's left of the roof. Phil still doesn't have eyes on Clint.

Suddenly, Fury's face appears in a corner of the screen.

"Get your ass back to New York, Coulson. Now."

~^~

Walking into the SHIELD conference room to face the Avengers is both everything and nothing Phil is expecting. Stark making a rush at Phil only to be stopped by Steve is expected. Bruce being the one to land a punch to Phil's jaw and Natasha stepping in to stop any further violence, is not.

"You fucking asshole! Have you been alive this whole time?" Tony shouts. "Do you have any fucking idea what your death did to him? Do you even care?"

"Back off Stark," Melinda growls and for a horror-filled second, Phil fears that his new team is about to outright challenge the Avengers, despite Phil being clearly in the wrong.

"Enough! All of you," Natasha spits. "I don't give a damn what any of you do to each other after, but right now, all I want is to find Clint… alive."

Phil can't hold back his shudder at Natasha's words and looks across at Stark, who deflates in Steve's arms as if the guilt over Clint's kidnapping is too heavy a burden for his shoulders to hold.

"Tell me what you know," Phil says and everything else fades but the quest to find one of their own.

The villain turns out to be Justin Hammer attempting a resurgence with the remnants of the Ten Rings. It's a threat that the Avengers have known about for months, but neither they nor SHIELD imagined that Hammer was strong enough to make a direct attack on the Tower. 

Phil, however, is an expert on both Hammer and the Ten Rings – a result of his being assigned to watch Stark all those years ago. With everything Phil knows, combined with Skye's resourcefulness and JARVIS' computing power, they've narrowed Clint's location down to three possibilities before the ransom video arrives. 

Hammer demands that Tony hand himself over to the Ten Rings, to allow himself to be hooked into a machine that will forcefully pull every weapons design the genius has ever made directly from him mind – that it's likely to kill or leave Stark a vegetable is only a happy byproduct to Hammer. Clint lies unmoving on the table behind Hammer throughout his rant and Simmons confirms with help from JARVIS that the archer's injuries from the blast at the Tower are going untended. The thin sheet covering Clint is red with blood and Phil grips the table in front of him to keep from punching Hammer's smirking face on the screen. Stark happily does it for him.

The transmission is enough to pinpoint their location and in less than an hour, the Avengers are blowing through the front door while Phil's team sneaks in the back. It's fitting, perhaps, that it's Phil who gets to Clint first.

Clint's unfocused eyes turn to Phil as he steps up next to the table and his heart breaks at the sudden joy that overtakes the archer's features when he finally sees Phil.

"You're here," Clint whispers. "I didn't realize I'd died, but it's okay, I wanted to. You're here and we can be together again."

"No, Clint," Phil tells him with a choked-off sob. "You're not dead and neither am I."

"I don't understand. You… I…" Clint's gaze moves up and focuses on something over Phil's shoulder, eyes pleading for help. "Tony?"

Phil lets himself be moved out of the way as Iron Man steps forward to lift Clint's body into his arms, cradling him gently against the suit before taking off. Neither of them look at Phil as they leave. Phil places one of the explosive charges on the table and walks away, his heart crumbling like the building behind him.

He shouldn't have been surprised to find his team blocking his entry to the Bus. 

"We're your team no matter what, AC," Skye says, "and we'll back off if that's what you really want, but we don't think you belong on this Bus. Not yet."

Phil looks at the rest of his team – Fitz and Ward look uncomfortable, but resolute, May is glaring at him in her usual way, and Simmons looks like she's about to cry.

"You never know until you try," Simmons says when his gaze lands on her. "Love isn't easy or predictable, but it's worth it."

~^~

Phil braces himself for a multitude of possibilities as he walks into the waiting room at the hospital, but he doesn't anticipate finding Pepper cradled in Tony's arms in one corner of the room.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Phil yells as Tony gently lets Pepper go to stand. There is no apology on his face and both of Phil's hands clench into fists to keep him from going for his gun. "Clint, your _fiance_ , is in surgery after being kidnapped by madman out for your blood and you're here with–" 

"Clint isn't my fiance," Tony interrupts. "He never was. And you have no right to yell at me after what you've done."

"What?" Phil asks, his anger disappearing even as he struggles not to hope.

"We knew Hammer was coming for Tony," Natasha explains calmly and walks over to stand in front of Phil. "Clint volunteered to keep Pepper safe. The engagement was a fake, easy bait for Hammer."

"Clint was never my boyfriend or my fiance, but it doesn't mean that I don't love him," Tony adds, quieter than Phil has ever heard him. "Maybe under different circumstances…" He shakes his head. "That doesn't matter now."

"You have a lot of explaining to do, Agent Coulson," Steve says. "Natasha has convinced us that you deserve an opportunity to try. I can't understand why anyone would let people who care about him think he's dead, but we're not the ones who have to understand. We won't keep you from talking to Clint, but hurt him again…"

"...and you'll answer to us," Bruce finishes while Thor stands behind him with a disappointed glower.

"This is going to take a while," Natasha says softly, taking Phil's hand and leading him over to one of the chairs on the far side of the room. "We should sit."

Natasha doesn't let go of Phil's hand after they've taken their seats and he can't help looking down at them in confusion.

"We're all a little broken," Natasha tells him in a soft voice, "so we all understand what it's like not to react the way most people would, that we don't always make the right decisions. They just needed a little reminding not to jump to the easy conclusion without all the information."

"And what information do you have that they don't?" Phil asks.

Natasha smiles and squeezes his hand. "I've seen you two together. I've watched you when you didn't know I was looking. I've seen how you look at Clint – like he's something precious, something worth protecting… even from yourself."

"What if…" Phil says, looking away from Natasha's knowing eyes and toward the closed doors leading to the operating room. "What if he can't forgive me? What if I still can't trust myself if he does?"

"I think you're underestimating Clint's stubbornness," Natasha answers. "He loves you, but he never understood why you were holding back. I think I have an idea, but it's not my place. Letting him know you're a little broken too won't make him love you less."

"How do you know that?"

"Because he told me," Natasha replies simply. "Come on, Phil. We're SHIELD agents too. We knew there was a possibility you were alive and keeping it a secret. It's got Fury written all over it. Clint told me – and I don't have reason to doubt he was telling the truth – that he'd forgive anything just to know you were alive. He never considered the possibility that you could be alive and still want him."

Phil lets go of Natasha's to drop his head into his hands with a groan. "I've fucked up so badly."

"You have," she agrees, but rubs a soothing hand along Phil's shoulders. "But I don't think it's irreparable, as long as you tell the truth from here on out."

"What if he doesn't pull through?" Phil asks without looking up, fear tightening like a vice around his heart.

"Again, I think you're underestimating him. If there is anyone more stubborn than death, it's Clint Barton."

~^~

Clint is in surgery for six hours and it's another four before he's allowed visitors. His prognosis is good and the hospital, knowing that trying to hold back the Avengers is a futile effort, lets them all in at once instead of the usual restriction of pairs. Clint's eyes flutter open a few minutes after they arrive and he smiles at each of his teammates before his gaze lands on Phil.

"Phil," Clint says, his voice hoarse and barely audible, but happy.

Phil steps forward and falls to his knees next to the bed so that their eyes are level. Clint lifts his hand weakly and Phil takes it, cradling it gently against his cheek.

"Clint, I…" 

Clint shakes his head, silencing Phil's words. "Later. It can wait. Just… stay?"

"Of course," Phil answers. "I'll stay. I promise."

Clint nods and smiles before his eyes slip closed, pulled back into slumber by the heavy medication.

Phil stays as he promised, never straying much further than the chair at Clint's bedside or the other empty bed in the room. It takes two days before Clint can stay awake for more than a few minutes, his eyes frantically searching the room for Phil each time they open. Phil thinks he's earned back some of the Avengers' respect when they stop scowling immediately upon seeing Phil – though it's not their forgiveness he's waiting for.

More days pass and Clint gets stronger. Phil waits patiently, half expecting Clint to send him away, but he never does. They don't talk much and have never really needed to, but they both know that the conversation cannot be avoided indefinitely.

On the fifth night after his rescue, Clint looks questioningly at Phil and scoots over on the bed. Phil toes off his shoes and climbs into the bed without hesitation. They fall asleep in the comfort of each other's arms and Phil finally lets some of the fear fall away.

"Did you ever love me?" Clint asks the next morning.

"Yes," Phil answers immediately, his arms tightening around Clint. "I did lo-love you. I do love you, Clint. Please don't ever believe otherwise."

"Then why is it so difficult to say?" 

Clint pulls back to look at Phil, eyes confused and filled with pain, and Phil sees that he's been hurting Clint for far longer than before Loki's arrival.

"Because I didn't think I knew how to love you without causing you pain," Phil replies, watching as Clint's eyebrows furrow, ready to contradict Phil despite their recent history. 

Phil gives a small shake of his head and continues. "You're not the only one with an abusive past, Clint. I never told you because I didn't want you to know about the darkness inside of me."

"You were raised by your grandparents," Clint says. "You only have good stories about them."

"I didn't start living with them until I was twelve," Phil tells him. "For the first twelve years of my life, I watched my father beat my mother every day, watched him end every beating by telling her how much he loved her. And when I got old enough to call the cops and turn him in, my mother beat me and then sent me away. Because she loved him."

Clint leans forward to place a gentle kiss against Phil's lips. "I'm so sorry."

"I was luckier than most because my grandparents were good people," Phil says as he gathers Clint close, knowing his life has still been far easier than Clint's. "They tried to teach me that love wasn't always about pain and beatings, but I knew what I came from and I was constantly afraid I'd turn into my parents. I never let myself get close enough to anyone to fall in love with them. Then you waltzed into my life and I couldn't stay away. I couldn't resist, but I tried. I've never been angrier in my life than the day Loki took you away. It reminded me of what I had lurking inside of me and when I died… it seemed safer to let you go."

"You would have let me marry Tony Stark," Clint whispers against Phil's chest.

Phil's arms tighten involuntarily at the reminder, but he nods. "Yes. You deserve to be happy."

"I do," Clint agrees, "but I'm happiest with you. This past year has been…" Clint twists until they're looking at one another. "I'm not saying this will be easy, not with our pasts and not with our jobs, but I need to know you're willing to try. As much as I hate psych, we should probably talk to a professional, because God knows I'm bringing as much baggage into this as you. So if you're willing to try, if you're willing to let me love you… then that's enough for me."

"Yes. Anything and everything if you'll give me another chance," Phil responds.

Phil takes a breath. "I love you," he says softly and watches a smile break across Clint's face.

Phil takes another breath and repeats, louder and more confident, "I love you, Clint Barton. I always will."

And it's enough.

_fin_


End file.
